Many nights never seemed to go as planned in my frustration, anger, upset and well downright pure confusion. I would often try to compress the world into my own hands and take control of my environment. While attending Poetice’s school of Justice and Mission over the past several months I’ve heard so many people’s stories of redemption and placing all they have in God’s timing and being at peace with that. At first, hearing these stories rustled and rattled something in my heart…how was it so easy for them to let go and not me?
And that’s exactly what God has been working on in me over the past several months. Guys for real, I can only imagine how patiently God has been breathing a new kind of love in my soul, just waiting for me to grasp it. This isn’t something that he’s just now been telling me but it’s been sweetly whispered to me over my entire life. He has been telling me over and over again that in the wake of every single heartache and the depth of all my fears, His love for me is deeper still. I was never meant to be bound by my past or carry my regrets around like useless luggage, even when I felt myself making every possible mistake. Instead of being ashamed for my failures, God has shown me, again and again, his heart for me.
He marked it on my heart that we bear this eternal promise – God himself breathed the breath of life into our nostrils. Each person’s breath is but a divine promise that heaven is inside us. He has defeated everything there was and is to come. When we go back into regret from our past or mistakes we’re saying that the cross isn’t good enough. Once I realized how intimately he cares for us, I was able to surrender my control, my fears, my earthly desires for God and his timing. He has proven himself time and time again and has never failed or parted from me. When this finally clicked in my brain I just imagine how happy He had to have been – like a father cheering on their kid from the sideline watching me trip, fall and make mistakes but when I finally got the ball and made that goal just being so completely overwhelmed with joy!
Now trust me, I know this doesn’t mean I won’t ever mess up again but having a better understanding of who I am and my identity through Christ, makes it a lot easier to find my way back to the light. One of my favorite ways that God has done this is through community. God didn’t create us to live lonely lives. When he created us, he did so through the trinity which is a community and/or family. We all long to build meaningful and authentic relationships with others. Some of my most treasured friendships are where I feel truly known and just feel free to be “myself”.
I believe this is what God has laid on my heart. He has such a love for community and family and that’s something I want to embody to fight injustices. When you have a fire burning so bright for God’s love, He calls us to share it not hide it. One of my favorite things here at Poetice has been being in such a great community of people who are chasing after the Lord with their whole heart with such perseverance even when things get hard. Pushing and propelling each other to go further, go harder, love deeper and dream bigger; that’s something I can’t wait to bring home with me. Injustices at their foundation are often based on broken relationships with others that aren’t working. Everyone on the planet desires identity and purpose and what we need to make that work is God and community.
So, while going home sounds frightening on some level of leaving such an amazing community of people that push me to dig in deeper and just being able to soak in God’s word for 3 months. I also can’t wait to go home to see how God uses these new revelations for His glory and His kingdom… well, and to eat a cheeseburger.
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